Happy July the Fourth, everybody!
Hillary Kitten woke me up a little before 5 this morning (which was actually pretty nice; usually she wakes up Boyfriend around 3:30 or 4) and by 5:30 or so I actually got up. So, I actually had time to write this morning, and even tabulate last month’s expenses, which means there’s a blog to post. Sure, I have the whole day off and I could have done this at any time, but hey, Hillary was just trying to be helpful.
In a nutshell:
(More or less, my math has gotten a little wonky lately too… remembering to carry over the money I deposit automatically into our joint account, skipping the check that hasn’t cashed yet, etc.)
I’ve started skipping a lot of the Your Money or Your Life details lately. I’ve totaled the amount spent in each category, but I’m not posting here because I want to revise my spending categories. I’m not asking myself the YMoYL questions: did I receive fulfillment, satisfaction, and value in proportion to life energy spent, is this expenditure of life energy in alignment with my values and life purpose, how might this expenditure change if I didn’t have to work for a living, etc.
I haven’t reconfigured my “life energy” since getting the job (basically what is my real hourly wage after all work related expenditures and annoyances including travel time, gas, decompression time/beer, etc.) so I can’t answer question #1. I’m not sure that I know what my values and life purpose are right now, which makes it hard to know if my spending is aligned (probably not), and thinking about what would change if I didn’t have to work for a living is too depressing. Basically, I’m out of whack and it’s showing up in how I spend my money, but I don’t want to look too closely because then I have to fix it.
I know I’m out of whack; the gears are grinding against themselves and inside me the machinery is screeching. It shows up in the ten o’clock at night donut runs after a couple of glasses of wine and an unwarranted adrenaline rush. It shows up in the emergency grocery runs because I haven’t had time/energy to plan and shop and create. It shows up in resentment toward Boyfriend because I’m not making the time for what I want to do (write poetry). It shows up in sleeping in instead of getting up and writing poetry. Fortunately now I’ve got a cat, and she’s a much better alarm than my cellphone.
My twenty-fifth year seems to have been made of mostly transitions, mostly uncomfortable ones. That’s okay–growing pains can be uncomfortable. And it is going to take some more growing to get my spending aligned with my values again. Since how I spend my money is one measure of how I live my life, it’s also going to take some growing to get my life aligned with my values again.